busan

It's official. I have the slowest computer in the history of mankind (including the mostly pre-computer eras). But hey, it was free so I have no room or reason to complain.

I think I came to a pessimistic conclusion about things [and also stuff] yesterday. a vague, blanket statement that I configured only after some very specific events transpired. Said conclusion is this: after really good things happen, or even mildly pleasant things, or just things that don't make you want to cry, it is inevitable that these fortunate events of life smiling upon you will be immediately followed by either really shitty or just sort of sucky events. Life is not smiling at all, it's violently performing some other verb with a negative connotation. At any rate, something that makes you cry and/or feel defeated. I have to be honest though, I'm not sure if it's actually a pattern or not, just how I feel at this particular moment. I shall explain…

I had my beginner's drama class yesterday for 2 fucking hours. I was also sans Korean "helper" teacher (the previously referenced grannie with gold teeth and even less classroom management skill in her native language of Korean than me), although I've already explained how "helper" is loosely interpreted to mean "one who does nothing, least of all what her title would suggest." And you're probably thinking, "well, if she does nothing, then why does it matter if she's there or not?" and I ask myself that question too. Maybe my rage is diffused because she actually is really nice (you know, like grandmas are nice. Unless they're my grandma, in which case they're total cunts…) and it's comforting to have someone else there who, like me, also has a complete lack of control over these heathens. Commiseration is a universal language. In all actuality yesterday's class was probably better than some other classes in the past, as long as we're not holding the complete lack of progress for the past two months against the little assholes. But the fact that she wasn't there, that my class that is so clearly struggling is optional for her sort of pisses me off. And again, this is unfounded. She's an unpaid volunteer. Perhaps it is how unwarranted my anger towards this woman is that has me so, I don't know, angry.

Anyhoo, we meet once a week for two hours. They were sposed to have their lines memorized this week. What the fuck ever. People show up 45 minutes late to class on a regular basis and then ask me "when do we get a break?" some French peeps were at the library observing yesterday too, so a whole bunch of suits—Korean and French—walk in and they act like angels. then peoples' moms and littler siblings just wander freely in and out of the classroom drooling all over themselves and stumbling uncertainly on their little legs (no, not the moms…) to remind little su-hyun that his umbrella's sitting in the chair for him or dinner is at 6:15 or not to forget his jacket or some other asinine detail that can't possibly wait until class is over. At the end of class, I sat them all down and made each one of them apologize to me individually. When they left, I lost it. And my co-worker saw me. And she was surprised. But even she sat there watching the class while I had to actually scream over these people to get them to even acknowledge that I was there. And she didn't say anything to them. I'm fine with the Friday class being loud and obnoxious sometimes, but that's only because they can actually speak english and have expressed some personal interest in the outcome of this, their trophy english play. The little ones haven't been told to care yet. So yeah, It's been a little while since work made me burst into tears. Nice to be reminded that, yes, this does happen to me semi-regularly.

I think what made yesterday so acutely horrible was that I spent the weekend in busan on the beach and my entire outlook on korea seemed to change, albeit only for two days apparently. So busan was the really good thing followed by the jolt of the very negative english drama class.

But back to busan and pretty happy things.

On Friday night I boarded a bus to busan with 2 minutes to spare—lonely planet and impractically stuffed backpack in tow for impending adventure. I really can't explain the pleasure I take in riding the bus or train or taking any mode of transportation away from here. It's an equation where, in my mind, the actual physical movement of the bus signifies inherent progress. Something is being done, and you need only sit there to be a part of it. When you're on the bus and it's dark and quiet and the bus driver has even afforded you the brief pleasure of turning off the Korean soap opera or variety show, those are really good moments. People have no choice but to put their lives on hold. the surreptitious accumulation of these dark, quiet moments stolen for myself is one of my most revered Korean accomplishments. I think it's on the bus or the train that I'm the most consciously aware of where I am, even if I can't point to it on a map.

When I was back in Missouri between stints in korea, I helped with a program at mizzou called PEPI. There were only two participants in this program and they were both from busan. Jules and I took them to see Calexico in st. louis and hung out with them drinking beer and generally personifying typical Columbia Missouri life. So the plan was to meet up with them in their hometown. Jaeho and wuhyun. Jaeho met me at the bus station and we went to a bbq restaurant in the busan national university area while waiting for wuhyun to show up. I must make a note about the university areas of korea. It doesn't matter how big, small, reputable or disreputable the university, all the drinking and shopping and eating areas in these areas all over the country look exactly the same. There's something to be said for homogeneity here in these parts. And I think I just said it, or part of it.

Anyhoo, met up with wuhyun, ate some food, went to two more bars, went back to wuhyun's family's apartment so I could sleep in his little sister's room. Both he and jaeho were so accommodating to my every need or admittedly touristy desire. This was such a sharp contrast to a lot of the Korean peeps I met in columbia who promised to hang out with me or help me with anything that I needed when I got here, as I would like to think I did for them when they were in my town. While some of them have more than upheld this offer, there are just as many who have had nothing to do with me since I've gotten here, unless to ask for help with something at the last minute or to try to molest me in the wee hours of the morning. But jaeho and wuhyun actually wanted to hang out with me instead of making it seem like it was some sort of dutiful obligation.

Bright and early on Saturday we went to haeundae beach and the APEC convention center/park place thingy. I think that was its official title. Apparently george bush-ee spoke here or something a few years ago. I dunno, nor do I really care. But now I have a picture of him in another picture wearing traditional Korean clothes. the beach was (as it always is for me) all manner of superlatives. i can count the times i've actually been to a beach on one hand—yeosu, sokcho, busan and viarregio (italy). each an entirely different experience. "he who looks on the sea, sees it the first time, every time, with the wonder distilled from elementary things." Sounds about right.

In the beginning of the day I went to haeundae and another beach with jaeho, his girlfriend and wuhyun. Jaeho had a car, or he had his girlfriend's car, so it was nice to not have to worry about transportation for most of the whole day on Saturday. After more sightseeing, including an amazing Buddhist temple in the side of some cliffs (I actually bowed twice to Buddha. That was pretty cool), checked into a love motel named "roma." My bed was circular and my tub had Jacuzzi jets, you know, just like rome has. Big pimpin.

Later that night I went out and about into the seomyeon area. Lots of people, lots of bars, honestly not too different from the whole university area bar scene. There was a particular microbrewery I wanted to find, so I navigated the subway by myself and eventually found the place. Quite the triumph considering my bad luck with the lonely planet in daejeon. Damn you, murphy's bar (shaking angry fist in air)! My thirst for something other than hite or cass went unslaked, as there was an hour wait and the microbrewery wasn't too keen on seating one person. So then my tactic was to go to a hole in the wall bar and wax poetic, sipping on a shitty beer, mulling over my perceived misfortunes. I found the perfect place, reminded me of a bar I used to go to in chuncheon near jules and rory's apartment (the one above the chicken place where jules gave the dude my number. They know what I'm talking about). There was no one in the bar, and the woman apologized for that. But I told her it was okay. Then some already drunk dudes, (one wearing a ripped shirt as he had come to this particular bar to evade a fight he had started moments before) fell into the bar and interrupted my solitude. but the one who had just escaped his own fight could actually speak pretty good english underneath the thick drunken stupor. In korea they sort of look down on people doing things alone. Thanks, Confucius. I get shit all the time for traveling alone, eating lunch and dinner alone, drinking alone, etc. so these dudes were very persistent in getting me to sit with them and chat. So I sat for a while. They bought me beer. Then they insisted we go to the bar next door. I agreed. They seemed to me harmless and remarkably little men. At the bar next door I got the whole "are you Russian" question. It became obvious then that the primary demographic in the new bar was middle aged Korean suits. all banking on the Russian thing. so I told them I was an american, chugged the rest of the beer they paid for and promptly left. Just in time for the last subway back to the haeundae area where roma was.

I got off the subway, immediately bought two beers and headed back to the beach. Though a beach in daylight is a beautiful thing to behold, so too is a beach in the earliest of morning hours. sunday morning still clinging to the vestiges of saturday night. the great, black abyss dotted by the light of the boats floating on the slight curvature of the horizon. piss warm beer. roman candles. Alone. There seems to me something beautifully tragic about dressing up to go sit alone on the beach and mull over my own loneliness, simultaneously doing everything in my power to ensure it at that moment.

Next day I went to the largest fish seafood market in korea (jagalchi) and the Russian/Chinese district before heading home on the bus. Jaeho even met me at the bus terminal to buy me lunch before I left. He and wuhyun refused to let me pay for anything while I was in their care. Not even ice cream. I felt extremely pampered.

busan was exactly what I needed. The whole experience made me feel a little more optimistic about korea and my life in general. It's nice to find things besides food and drink that fall into a country's cultural profile. the beach made me think for one moment (or for 2 days, I guess) that maybe korea wastn't as aloof and materialistic as it seems sometimes. that there were things that made people here happy besides clothing and consumerism. i realize at this point that this was perhaps too much pressure to put on a poor, innocent little beach. but busan had restored my oft-referenced sense of possibility. Then I went to work yesterday and my sense of possibility died. For the 1,000th time.