a man named mr. huh (huh?) is sitting across from me, maybe 3 feet away, passed out in his chair. i think today was a busy day for him, as he was dressed up a little fancier than usual. i suppose that reflects increased activity? he just stirred ever so slightly to scratch his nose. but back to sleep he goes.
there's a kick ass game on my hand-uh pone. it's called "halloween fever". the object of the game is to match up ghouls, goblins, pun-kins, and other halloweenie flavored items in groups of at least 3 until you have cleared the board. it's remarkably similar to a game i've played before but whose name i can't remember. tri-towers? no. crap that's going to bother me now.... i'm currently on level 28. but i haven't been this stumped since i was back on level 2 and had to have one of my students clear the board for me. the humiliation, god it's unbearable! so yup, this stupid fucking game is the highlight of my life right now.
in a funk lately. little things are making me very, very angry. i think this recent phase swept over me after i got back from seoul last weekend. the increasing changeability of city hall/my job + credit card debt + the subtle tone of condescention in random peoples' voices = jamie angry! jamie want punch wall! jamie want punch human! raaaarrrrgggghhhhh! or jamie just want cry uncontrollably? at any rate, i certainly feel like any time i open my mouth i'm just going to start either blubbering on and on about feeling sorry for myself, or scare people by seeming a wee bit crazy. but this too shall pass.
on friday, i just woke up in a bad mood. i hate it when that happens. came to the miracle library burdened by the weight of knowing that my only responsibility for that whole fucking day was to merely show up. and monday (today), same same. granted, this is only because we're between english drama sessions. still sucks balls, though. so at the end of friday, i had absolutely nothing to show for my day. makes one feel a little, i dunno, shitty and useless. also makes me question what the fuck i'm even doing here in suncheon, south korea. lots of people at city hall are moving on to bigger, better, more focused/goal-oriented pursuits post-suncheon. shit, 2 out of the group are going to law school, with another one going to grad school. and then there's me. i have to stay in korea for a few years, just because there really is no other rational recourse for me, financially speaking. so knowing that in all actuality i don't have a choice makes me feel paranoid and claustrophobic. if i had the choice to make--to stay or to go--i would choose to stay anyway. but now my finances dictate my choices, and of course my reaction is to want to disobey my finances, whatever that means. but i suppose that's what being an adult with lots o' debt feels like.
anyhoo, back to being pissed off. friday in particular. i think it's a proven fact that the best way to feel better about feeling shitty is to continue to dwell on the shitty, recording every little mundane detail of said shittiness for the sake of posterity. when i went to seoul last weekend, i took a coin purse with me. my friend clayton was kind enough to pay for EVERYTHING. but it meant that when i got back, i had to live on $2 for a week. so friday rolled around, and i was thinking i got paid. at noon, still no paycheck. so that pissed me off. but i thought, "jamie, you've got $2. a ministop bulgogi burger is only $1.80. maybe this isn't such a shitty day." just when my spirits had lifted with visions of meat, mayonnaise and soggy brown lettuce, they sank to new lows when i realized they were out of these stupid "premium" burgers. falls into the category of small defeats that can be disproportionately devastating. i was a wreck. and left to face the prospect of a weekend that now only had a $.20 budget. but at a little after 6pm i went back to the bank and my money was there. hallelujah! i could still get drunk. there is a god, and he totally rules!
friday night meant getting drunk at juliana's. a little bit of suppressed crying at the bar (nothing a tequila shot can't fix!) and then molesting people at black dance club. lots of strobe lights, lots of booze, lots of idiotic dancing on my part. i harassed some korean dudes (i figure i've earned the right to make korean men feel uncomfortable) and that made me feel better. there were two other people who took off their clothes at the dance club. pictures of what transpired forthcoming on my flickr website...
saturday i woke up and felt like doing something. but i was unclear as to what that something should be. so erica and i hopped on a bus to gwangju, bought some random sundries, ate at tgi friday (or is it friday's?). the allure of western food was overwhelming. when we started looking at the menu, i was quite intrigued by cheddar macaroni bites. fried bits o' macaroni. genius! i didn't order them, but i'm sure thinking about my next trip to gwangju...i came home 4 books richer. realized i've been mispronouncing "godot" for as long as the word has been in my consciousness (actually, it was on sunday that i realized this mispronunciation. i hate moments like that. recalls the first time i ever said "yeats" out loud. it looks like "eats" with a y tacked on the front. easy enuff. my boyfriend at the time promptly corrected me. shitballs.). instead of going out on saturday night, i read and played aforementioned halloween game. party animal.
on sunday, a long overdue phone call to the parental unit was made. also talked to jules for a long time, as she and rory were preparing to get on a plane to the china the next day (probably still inflight as i type this). then it was over to kirsten's going away brunch. i drank lots of little mimosas out of dixie cups. kirsten cooked a fuckton of awesome breakfast foods. paula made up some game involving a champagne cork and a stuffed pig. it was a good afternoon of not really doing too much and thoroughly enjoying it. later that night went out and ate pork ribs and neck meat (mmm!). beers at juliana's. home.
so today is monday. mondays always start with a meeting at city hall. for the most part these are fucking pointless. but i've had anxiety about them for some reason. i dunno. it's just general unhappiness at the job, so being at the place responsible for my job makes me irritable. plus there are inevitably snide comments made about how i'm not a "real" teacher. yuk yuk. i've always loved being the butt of peoples' jokes. and today was no different. then i come to the miracle library, and everyone is furiously mopping, wiping, sweeping. and my co-worker comes up to me with her pink rubber gloves and tries to hand me a wet rag to start cleaning. bitch, you crazy! instead i decided to organize the english book section. anyhoo, for some reason her presenting this wet rag to me just hurt me. deeply. i can't really explain it. but i'd already been joked about at the meeting (not even a lot of joking. just offhanded comments on which i dwell. which only hurt more because they are for the most part true. i'm not a "real" teacher and i don't actually do anything a lot of the time. i think it's more annoying because i know i'm not the only person who has a lot of "free time." i'm just the most vocal, i suppose. the moral is: jamie, shut up. long parenthetical there...).
anyhoo, there really wasn't anything too irrational in a woman handing me a wet rag, but it prompted a whirlwind flashback to cleaning up after people at shakespeare's, which sometimes felt like the most demeaning thing in the world. and cleaning up after people here at the library, when i'm sposed to in theory be teaching english. a huge overreaction on my part, but again, feeling pretty sensitive this past week. what the hell's wrong with me.
and here i am now, finishing up a lengthy blog. which, if i'm to be fair, should make me feel as shitty as that woman handing me a rag did. writing a blog isn't teaching either.
i guess i feel better. we have thursday off this week. i am going to label that "official de-funking day."
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