eh

i feel like i should post something. seems like it's been awhile. a whole week!

i woke up to the soothing sounds of a loudspeaker blaring from the passing onion truck. apparently it's onion season now--the red hues of strawberries gradually giving way to the muddied whites of onions and garlic.

i'm in a rut. there. i said it. there's this feeling that's been gnawing at me lately. it started out innocently enough, culminating in the current sort of indescribable heaviness which i've only fully admitted to as of late. the feeling of barely hanging on. to i don't know what. and it's not necessarily a depressing feeling, it's more a futile desperation. but this is familiar and therefore oddly comforting i suppose. the end result is again me just waiting for something to happen instead of being proactive. so now i've been proactive. the funny thing is, i felt this way a lot in columbia too. and now it's followed me to the korea. i think perhaps i'm not comfortable being happy. seems like it's something i shouldn't allow myself. i don't really know where that comes from. perhaps it's something a lot of 28 year old people feel. hmm....

i would really really love to eat a cuban pulled pork sandwich from uprise bakery right now. or the big tomato with bacon. a real sandwich. i bet seoul will have those.

i'm feeling sort of homesick these days. of course it's natural, but it makes me feel defeated, particularly in the context of what i'm increasingly willing to admit is/was a shitty fucking job and a shitty fucking life i made for myself here in the suncheon. seems like i was in denial of these things until the day i turned in that flimsy piece of paper citing some superficial reason for leaving (despite the obvious presence of bonafide complaints).

i had an interesting tea date with two of my supervisors last week. i could expound upon the actual tea consumption, as it was actually a positive experience (which i somehow manage to regularly avoid talking about), but what stuck with me was a question my boss asked about us kooky foreigners. he said some teachers complain about not feeling like they're a part of the community or included in regular korean things. and it made me wonder if this was an actual complaint, or if he was attempting to infer based on mere observation of the very obvious distancing from the korean community that some of us take pains to do. i didn't really know what to say to him. seems like a lot of the distancing (at least in my personal experience), is totally voluntary and on purpose. how do i explain to this man--who is both my boss, and a korean--that not everyone wants to integrate into what (to my foreign eyes) feels like an overtly misogynistic, materialistic, judgemental and racist society (not to mention one seemingly devoid of any counterculture that might compromise the confucian values of duty and collectivism)? it might be different if there was anything here in suncheon to detract from these things--cultural elements that temporarily shift the focus off these perceived societal ills, but my small city's not offering a lot of things to contradict my stereotypes right now. two of the main cultural components on which koreans fall back (food and alcohol) only serve to reinforce a seeming ethnocentrism, thus sabotoging their intent--a sense of community and togetherness--and further isolating people. anyhoo, i've got high hopes for seoul. i hate the way i feel about korea and a lot of koreans right now. i really hope going to a larger city will restore my faith in what i know deep down to be a culturally rich society full of generous, kind, well-meaning people.

today is a holiday. korean memorial day, or something to that effect. i have no immediate plans, or any plans to come up with a plan. i like days like that, as long as i don't put undue pressure on myself to be productive.

the move to seoul goes down in two weeks. i should be more specific and say i'm moving the the 'burbs." i'm very excited about what should be a major change.

yesterday i told some of the mothers at my maegokdong office that i was moving to seoul. their response (in korean) was "jamie's moving to seoul because she doesn't have any friends in suncheon." comments like that aren't unexpected anymore, i'm just glad they haven't started telling me i'm fat yet. but it really hurt my feelings. i only see these women 2 hours a week when they hang out at the library, and yet they think they've got me all figured out. i'm some 28 year-old friendless, boyfriendless withering spinster. and again, it makes me accutely aware of living out of context. there was a time when i argued i was creating a new context of my life. a new phase away from columbia, my friends, my family, vulnerably putting myself out there to gain return greater than i could ever imagine. you know, soul-searching. but it's not as great as i thought it would be. ultimately my soul-searching has resulted in not feeling like myself for 9 months.

there are two things that could immediately restore my spirits: a flat branch pub burger with bacon and a boulevard weet. i suppose there are two more: jules and rory. i'm thrilled that i still get to go on my vacation in july. that should help me snap out of the funk.