it’s been a week
of not feeling so hot about china. this
happens periodically. It used to happen
a lot more often, but this is my first bout of these issues since I quit the
old job. I need to find some tangible
reasons to overanalyze my current funk. Because
this is what I do.
There are the
banal daily offenses—the spitting, the staring, the squatting (pissing AND
shitting in public, thank you very much), the noise, the lack of space, getting
on/off public transportation or elevators, “parenting”, etc. etc. I think the “current funk” has more to do
with the fact that another good friend left last week.
I’d hung out with
asha pretty much non-stop since I got back from my Christmas vacation. I have always found it hard to relate to
other chicks, probably due to the fact that the closest person to me (and also
the most intelligent, rational, powerful, and goal-oriented person in my life) is
my twin sister. That hasn’t left a lot
of room for error in my relationships with other women, which my track record
of female friendships will support. The
fact that asha’s female is a real anomaly to me (not that her gender’s debate-able,
but that I consider her a friend. a female friend). I find it easy to befriend men, in meaningful
or cursory capacities. I’m not as
forgiving of women as I am of men.
Again, I’m sure there are many reasons for this, but I’ll save that
over-analysis for a different day.
Anyway, asha is
the first actual friend I’ve had since the days of jake, carrie and Jesse in
hangzhou. And I’m such a good friend and
communicator that I’ve only maintained contact with 33% of the hangzhou
contingent.
asha is, like
Julie, intelligent, rational, powerful and goal-oriented. And she was so willing to open herself up to
new experiences and to allow herself to be vulnerable around the right
people. that’s something that china has
sort of killed in me. It hardens you
from the inside out, while simultaneously destroying you emotionally. But you can’t really show that, because you
have to be “strong” to survive here as a foreign female. all that upkeep and presentation is an
exhausting and vicious cycle.
So another strong
female influence has left and I’m back to curling up into a little ball of
myself (figuratively-speaking. Haven’t been stretching enough lately). And that sucks. It felt great to give and to trust and to be
honest with someone. that should happen
far more often than it does. One of the
many shortcomings of human relationships--posturing adulthood without ever actualizing
it. Which I guess is also a pretty adult
skill.
I had never in my
life considered gender and femininity as much as I did in the first week I was
in china. Korea had some real gender
inequalities, too, but nothing to the degree I’ve experienced here. I guess at this point I’ve more than doubled
the time I spent in korea. anyhoo…
I’ve been
dwelling a lot on two things lately—the notions of identity and community.
Community is one
I think about every day, when the reality of being alien confronts you in every
face you pass on the street. You can see
the words forming as soon as the people around you recognize that you’re not
chinese. For every instance of eye
contact, the seconds that follow invariably include a whispered, or usually
less-tactful arm slap, point and incredulous burst of two or three syllables--“laowai”
or “waiguoren.”
Then comes “she
doesn’t understand” even though at this point no one has actually said anything
that requires understanding, beyond what generally equates to pointing and
screaming at someone. yes, actually, I
DO understand that.
How many people
do you pass on the street in a day? How
many people do you pass on the street in a day in the one of the most
heavily-populated cities in china? It’s
insane when you try to process that. And
it never stops. And it fucking beats you
down. But I make a lot of money for not
a lot of work. That’s my singular
justification. Really. That’s it.
The novelty of
living in a city of a lot of chinese hillbillies wore off a long time ago. The novelty of my existence, however, is
unrelenting. Shanghai is starting to sound pretty good.
I’ll save the
identity talk for a later date. Still
need to process the theme. also, nothing wrong with [attempted] brevity.
No comments:
Post a Comment