i had many dreams last night. but they all felt interconnected somehow, sans jennifer connelly lesbian action this time. the linking thread last night was joey burns. yup, back to me girling out over calexico man. the last time i saw them in st. louis (2 oblivious korean students in tow), i made a decision that i was no longer going to pine over joey burns as fervently and frequently as i had been for an embarassingly long amount of time. i would have to say my preoccupation (notice, i'm using my words carefully here. don't want to say "obsession." shit, i said it.) ranks up there as one of my longest and most consuming "crushes." boy do i love to use junior high terminology to talk about adult feelings. but honestly, i don't really think about him all too often anymore. i'm afraid this dream changes that a bit.
anyhoo, one of those dreams that seemed to span weeks and months, but then all i can really remember this morning is how good i felt. i almost felt giddy. this coming right on the heels of me marvelling at waking up minus a palpable sense of dread. dreadful to giddy in the span of 2 days! gotta say, i'm pretty impressed by the inner workings of my sleeping/dreaming self this week. but in the dream, it was basically just me and joey burns hanging out. me watching him at a concert, and then us walking. a lot of walking actually. at night, during the day. among people or alone. that's pretty much the gist of it. i know, a disappointingly vague blog about nothing at all really. but it's more about the feeling. my dream self was not at all awkward, was not red-faced, did not stammer whilst inspecting my feet. i guess my dream self also wasn't doing much talking.
but of course it makes me think back to the first time i met senor burns in columbia. i didn't really know much about him, just thought he was a hot older man. heh heh. the part about being in a band opening for wilco didn't hurt either. despite that, i was still able to be charmingly engaging, at least for a little while. but even that didn't last the whole night. after the few hours it took me to realize just how great and genuine (and fucking hot) this complete stranger was, all my charm and dry wit were gone. and i don't feel like i've ever gotten back to that completely comfortable place, sitting on the curb in front of the blue note, naive to the impending grip this complete stranger would have on me, for the most part unbeknownst to him.
and this isn't just with him in particular, but with complete strangers in general. the whole idea of making platonic friends or, better yet more than platonic friends--starting any sort of relationship of actual substance--just seems so far out of my realm of possibility. those first few meetings when you're willing to push beyond the awkardness because there might be something worth it in the long run. i think i probably sell myself short on the friendship part of this, sheerly for the sake of melodrama, but it's the other meaningful relationships, or lack thereof, that have me worried. and i'll argue that i don't like putting in the work, but i think it's something beyond that. some weird form of autism that only makes me socially awkard towards people with whom i actually want to socialize.
but back to the dream. i felt great. every time i think of joey burns, i feel great. i even blush now in the privacy of my own secluded apartment in south korea. it's bizarre, really, that he still has this effect on me. i don't know if it makes it better or worse that my simple life in suncheon is completely removed from his radar. and is it better or worse that this whole obsession is a just a little bit pathetic. damn dream....
got a new captain at maegokdong. don't know exactly what that job post entails, but i could swear i met another new captain last week. out with the not so old, in with the newer-est! it just so happened to be the new captain's birfday today, so we all gathered to eat cake and rice things. there were also oranges, which i think my captain was saying were better than american oranges, because they were from jeju. yup, you've probably tried all the oranges in america. it was also pretty damn funny to hear them ask each other how to say oh-rahn-jee in english. i was sort of ushered up to the front of the table to tower over the captain, so i stood there while all my co-workers stared at me expectantly. then they told me to sing, so i hammed it up and sang happy birthday to this new complete stranger, in the company of a bunch of other almost complete strangers, including one woman who blinks incessantly. just seemed worth mentioning. but i said "happy birthday, dear captain" instead of the standard korean "happy birthday, dear my friend." well, i thought it was funny.
a note about my new captain. as i sat next to him, i was fixated on this solitary black hair protruding from his right nostril. this hair didn't appear to have any companions and seemed out of place as a result. i really couldn't stop staring at it though. made me wonder "how the fuck could you not notice that black thing hanging out of your nose when you looked in the mirror this morning?" i have pretty furry arms, and it was at least as long as one of my arm hairs.
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