Well, I’m a chick. And despite the inherent emotion that comes with that fact, I am usually pretty good about compartmentalizing/manipulating my feelings. But stupid things trigger stupid feelings, and stupid feelings trigger more stupid feelings in reaction to stupid things. so that’s where I’m at. Right now. one of the stupid things that triggers stupid feelings: many people I used to be very very in like with are engaged or married or with other people. And that sort of shit gets me down. Not in the “I want a significant other” kind of way (which I’d say is also pretty fair to say at this point. 6 years single. I have no idea what intimacy is), but in a “here I am in china, working a lot and…working a lot” kind of way. So I’m here. and I have some things to show for myself, but healthy adult relationships are not one of them. china is my home. for now. but for most other people it’s a year-long (if even…) stint. So what’s the point?
I want a connection with another human, friendly or amorous. But definitely something. In some context other than china or a classroom or teaching. I want to have a conversation. I want to engage in friendly, witty banter and make terrible jokes. I’m already pretty good at terrible jokes, but the impact is lessened when there’s no audience. What I have now is the exhaustion of work and the exhaustion of not being able to get to know anyone, which only feed each other. And which also suck. The exhaustion of said suckiness has reduced me to words like “suckiness.”
I haven’t sent a personal email in months. Any people who were my friends probably hate me. I need to make an effort, but I’m too busy lamenting my lack of friends to maintain any friendships.
the nature of my job. Being a teacher, being a manager. 4 years here and so many people are douchebags. this is a recurring theme in my life (and my blog!). That’s a really shitty thing to have confirmed on a daily basis. And it affects me. But then things make me happy. Stupid shit. The sound of my ungraceful man hands on the keyboard is interesting. I have so much music I could listen to while I type this, but instead a herky jerky air conditioning unit and my lanky digits at work are a surprisingly adequate substitute. So that’s something. Fingers tap tap tap. Air conditioner creaks. I sigh. Repeatedly. I feel sorry for myself for no clear reason.
I started a meaty tome of a book. this, after the last meaty tome of a book that I read (900+ pages), was just okay. How can a 900+ page book yield an “eh”? And why did I commit to it? anyhoo, I started reading infinite jest. I know that the author killed himself recent-ish-ly and dave eggers wrote the forward. So those were two things I found…intriguing. But the forward is great and life-affirming and all those saccharinely optimistic things that dave eggers is really really adept at conveying in endearingly long sentences. So I’m about to embark on this 1000 page book, and dave eggers mentions 69 love songs and howard finster in the same sentence of the forward. A paragraph of a forward to a book made me happier than I’ve been in recent memory. It was pretty much an omen. That this will be better than “eh.” So I am optimistic. Let’s hope for more than mediocre. Mediocrity would be a devastating blow.
It’s been an interesting and busy past few months. Really need to get back to this (for my sanity), but I guess I’ve just been uber focused on work. I never would have thought I’d be a manager of people, but now that I am I’m not sure how much I actually like it. I guess I never thought human adults would need so much help in being better people, not just at being good teachers. the irony here is that I usually only give a shit about myself. So that’s interesting, as is the fact that I teach 3-6 year olds, but it’s the teachers I have to babysit. It just never ends. The contempt, the contention, the disrespect, the complete lack of trust. So I have to think how these things have impressed themselves upon me over 4 years and how they continue to change my very humanity on a daily basis. I like the idea of being “forged by fire” but there are definitely days when I just can’t be asked to give a shit. I don’t think I could go back to just teaching, given how arrogant and entitled the least capable people feel. But perhaps these past couple weeks aren’t the best time to wax poetic about the nature of existence and fucked up relationships.
Besides wallowing or talking about a book I haven’t really read too much of, I suppose there are things, events, nuggets that I’m obligated to record for posterity. So here goes.
1. reaffirmed faith in lists and the process of list-making.
2. Julie’s double knee surgery/dad’s visit. Julie’s walking again. The surgery was a month ago and she’s walking. That’s fucking crazy. It was a scary thing being in a Chinese hospital, seeing your sister out of it on a gurney.
dad’s afraid of heights and looks exactly the same and said hello to everyone. and seeing him leave was a terrible thing. I think that’s still affecting me. Someone who can’t get any more familiar was here and life was normal and domestic (aside from the whole “double knee surgery in a Chinese hospital” aspect). Then he left and it was back to this. sad.
when he left from shanghai, I puked in public at 2 separate metro transfer stations. Again, in public. Including once on the escalator. I’m sure that the resounding sentiment as he headed to the maglev was “I’m proud of my children, including the one who just puked in public while I held her purse.” I really felt like I proved whatever point it was I had to prove, just by expunging the contents of my stomach. That was after a very long night at the alchemist, the public and boxing cat brewery. All places I highly recommend, particularly if you’re going to drink too much and then be using public transportation the next day. Oh yeah, if you’re super hungover, don’t ever ever ever decide to try squid ink pasta that day. Don’t do it.
3. when dad was here we went to Chendgu with two of the newer teachers. it was a good time, but the fucking lazy pug was closed again. This was the second time it was closed, the first being Chinese new year, when that was a prime reason I even went to chengdu. I really just wanted to park there for a week. We’d also arranged to go see the giant Buddha through the hostel (mix). I love the staff there (bella!!!!), but when it came time to double check the reservation, they’d totally forgotten about it. so that was one really significant touristy thing we didn’t get to do. I was probably more pissed off than the situation required. That sounds like me. But…they have single rooms for 60 rmb. So that’s cool.
4. I met an interesting guy at pizza hut. A chilean/Israeli football recruiter. this is just a note for me to remember the Chilean/Israeli football recruiter 10 years from now. cool guy.
5. Peter the swede. See the note above. Make substitutions where necessary.
This about does it for now. all the build-up before the actual reporting of events. Makes the events seem less significant. But I need to get back in the habit (sister act 2, oh yes I did…) of recording. Of over-explaining and over-indulging in my feelings. Taking liberties with punctuation. I deserve these things. and life events deserve to be recorded, in far more detail than I’ve given them here. I’m sorry, life events. I’ll try to do better by you in the future.
