hmmm, what to write about… seems like a blog is long overdue, so I’m obliged to muster up something. speaking of muster, I bought some yellow mustard. and that is really something special.
at the grocery store you have to weigh all your vegetables at a special weigh station before you go get in the real line to pay. so I was doing that, being the good foreigner who’s familiar with vegetable weighing protocol(s) in Chinese supermarkets. in between the weighing of carrots and potatoes some woman tried to worm her way in to get her melon weighed (heh heh). for a country with a long history of Confucian principles and the sense of the whole over the individual, they can sure be greedy, impatient assholes. I’m trying to think of any event stored away in the annals of my own personal experience that disproves this blatantly mean stereotype, but i’m at a loss. and the most impressive facet of all of this is that they’re oblivious to it. and yes, I know the fact that I’m living in china means I should embrace all the little cultural nuances. it’s a nice idea, open-mindedness and whatnot, but it’d just be nice to be met in the middle sometimes. I’m aware that none of these minor transgressions is executed with any real malice, there’s just no concept of it being any other way. it was like I was invisible. which is really quite convenient for the Chinese peeps in my neighborhood, that they alone (collectively?) can choose when I am and I’m not invisible. I’m stared at and given the thrice over pretty much any time I step out of the threshold of my apartment building, but at the grocery store, when it’s convenient or they want something in the hurry that seems to perpetuate daily life, I don’t exist. anyhoo, seems like Chinese people are very much a culture of “I want what I want and I want it now. I need this now so I shouldn’t have to wait.” again in the check out line with the worming. some chick tried to worm her way in front of me because she only had 1 item. nevermind the fact that the two lanes on either side of me were open. she wanted my lane and didn’t think she should have to wait, simply by virtue of her desire for lane 3. so I sort of blocked her out and pointed at the other two lanes. after she was forced to acknowledge my existence she looked like I’d punched her in the stomach, or I’d at least rocked her paradigm.
also spent an inordinate amount of time trying to get to baochu pagoda on my bike. it’s supposed to be purty. so that seemed like an easy enough excursion to undertake on my second day off. on the way though, I made the nightmarish stop in the silk market area of my neighborhood. my usual kebab joint closed down, so I had to venture a little further down the road to get the cheap eats. I was the only person at this little kebab stand, so I ordered mine. then a bunch of Chinese people came up and were given my kebabs. because foreigners can wait. Chinese people are apparently incapable of it. that shit’s annoying, yo.
anyhoo, back to that pagoda that I ultimately didn’t end up seeing on that particular day. biked all over, asking for instructions, being given different directions every time. or being patronized by old, judgmental men. “you can’t ride your bike to the pagoda. you can’t do it!” no shit, I was just trying to figure out where the entrance was. unfortunately, I haven’t learned how to say “no shit” in Chinese yet. working on it…and apparently there are 1000 baoshi roads. people kept telling me different numbers of the road: baoshi road 1, baoshi road 4. no, this is baoshi road 3, you want baoshi road 2. jesus Christ. then I’d bike for a while only to be told that I couldn’t go that way. it was disappointing, only because I ultimately had nothing to show for the day. talking about going to a pagoda and how you got lost isn’t actually as cool as making it to the pagoda. I just haven’t really been doing much in the way of exploring for the past couple of weeks. it does require some mental preparation to even venture into the bike lane. you have to prepare yourself for the [road] rage imbued in sharing a confined space with a bunch of Chinese peeps who are thinking only of themselves (this seems to be the recurring theme of this post). seriously. same deal as the grocery store. a country of bike riders and none of them have any idea of right of way or human decency in the context of bicycle etiquette. I guess that’s how it is with cars too. cars, bikes, e bikes, pedestrians, it doesn’t matter. whatever mode of transport, the only focus is on “me.” people just step into the street or the bike lane without even looking. people choose to walk in the bike lane or the street, when there’s a virtually vacant sidewalk a mere 5 feet away. they want to be in the road or bike lane at that particular moment, so they go. without looking in either direction. some engrained sense of tunnel vision. but it’s frustrating. and people are either too heavy on the horn or don’t use it at all. it’s just the very definition of a clusterfuck (I’m going to look up that word now. seems like there would have to be a reference or example related to china…).
I was riding my bike home a few weeks ago. as I do pretty much everyday. I’m always coming home from somewhere and it honestly feels weird for me to walk anywhere that’s not the innards of a building. that same familiar feeling I had in Columbia, of showing up anywhere, no matter the temperature, and being very very sweaty. anyhoo. biking home and some guy on an e-bike comes up behind me and starts yelling shit at me and grabbing his dick. so I flipped him off and yelled all the Chinese curse words I could muster (hey, there’s that word again!). he rides ahead and then stops in the bike lane. I pass him again, yelling “fuck off” the whole time. then he comes up behind me again and grabs my right arm, as I’m biking. so I brake a little bit and then karate chop his arm and try to push him off his bike. he’s still pointing and grabbing his dick. I bike away. he continues to follow me, swerving his bike into mine, threatening to knock me off. so then I called a few peeps, just so he could see that I had peeps to call. ultimately a chick came and met me to help me get home via taxi. I was pretty much a wreck at that point. the taxi driver apologized on behalf of all Chinese men. seems like I got that same speech back in may…fat lot of good it did. I guess I could have called the cops, but I didn’t know the name of the street I was on. I know how to get places without necessarily knowing what they’re called. and don’t even get me started with north/south/east/west. so yeah, it’d been a while since I was afraid of anything. or at least a few weeks. it was strange though. after those initial weeks here of night terrors and having crazy, vivid, scary dreams/hallucinations, awake and asleep, I’d fallen into this relative comfort and sense of well-being about everything. and this dick on an e-bike jeopardized my mental stability. this particular situation alone doesn’t really warrant much thought, but it was less about this incident and more about the associations with the last one. living in a place that was supposed to be safe and then the shock and violence that accompanied the revelation that it wasn’t. so even things that wouldn’t have bothered me before bother me now. I guess that could be good and bad. so I guess what I’m trying to say is that nothing is innocent anymore, not even some creepy guy following you on his e-bike, grabbing his dick and trying to pull you off your bike. damn.
the space heater reminds me of home. the sound of this glowing orange box oscillating. back in my folks’ house, the noise of the glow ever-so-thinly veiled the pitter patter of tiny rodent feet trapped in the purgatory of those old, ‘70s era pock-marked ceiling panels.
I have a social life. I have people that I consider friends. I go out and do things with them, and we usually talk about things other than teaching. and more than just one friend at a time, none of whom are related to me by blood or marriage. I think that’s worth noting. because it’s been quite a while.
speaking of my social life, let’s get back to that aforementioned baochu pagoda. I ended up going drinking the next day at a nice little place called seven club. not that that detail matters. but there was a bald Chinese man there who was getting very friendly with lots of the chicks I was with. found out later that he was eventually “asked to leave.” also an unimportant detail. but it’s important not to forget the minutiae of my life. when the bar closed, I was with a friend on our bikes. I mentioned that I’d tried to go to the pagoda a day prior and failed miserably. but since the bar was on the same road, he said he’d show me where it was then. keep in mind that this was at about 2 am. so we headed in that direction. when we got to the pagoda, we were met with a huge tower of stairs. okay, not huge, but big enough to daunt a less-than-physically -fit, and more-than-drunk 30-yr. old woman in the middle of the night. we stood there debating whether or not to go up, and ultimately decided that it was probably a good idea. I mean, we’d already biked there. so why not.
seemed easy enough for me to lock my bike at the base of the hill and make the “summit’ (I want to speak as hyperbolically as possible and with lots of gratuitous quotes. it’s just “fun”). but my friend actually has a nice bike, replete with gears. gears, I tell you, gears!!! so it wasn’t quite as easy for him to just lock it up and feel ok with that decision. so he hoisted his giant giant bike onto his shoulder. and up we went. “hey, you have a job with regular hours and have to go to work in the morning, and now you’re climbing up a fuck ton of stairs with your bike on your shoulder. at an arguably ridiculous hour.” but it was the best night I’ve had in a really long time. a spontaneous decision gone right. when we finally got up to the top, there was, of course, no one there. it was now about 2:30-2:45 in the am. and here was this oddly gothic creation perched on the top of the hill, looking out over the rest of the sleeping city of hangzhou. yes, it was a pagoda. and yes, it was in china. but it felt distinctly un-chinese. so I stood there and stared up at this strange, arguably anachronistic gothic thing, lit up by a nearly-full moon. it was quite the juxtaposition of the man-made and the natural. a pillar of stability amid the racing clouds. beautiful.
the weather is changing. I guess that’s good. I would have liked for the archetypal fall to have lingered for a bit longer—characterized by autumnal hues and jacket weather. instead, we’ve got persistent/consistent rain and biting wind. ah, the first vestiges of this so-called “winter” in hangzhou.
it was beginning winter
an in-between time,
the landscape still partly brown:
the bones of weeds kept swinging in the wind,
above the blue snow.
it was beginning winter,
the light moved slowly over the frozen field,
over the dry seed-crowns,
the beautiful surviving bones
swinging in the wind.
light traveled over the wide field;
stayed.
the weeds stopped swinging.
the mind moved, not alone,
through the clean air, in the silence.
was it light?
was it light within?
was it light within light?
stillness becoming alive,
yet still?
a lively understandable spirit
once entertained you.
it will come again.
be still.
wait.
I like to imagine Missouri when I read this. not that the sentiment is particular to a tangible place, but still. at least a place where the word “field” isn’t an abstract notion. and where landscape means something devoid of buildings and clutter and all unnatural vestiges of this pesky thing called humanity.
my birthday is coming up soon. 10 days to be exact. the day after thanksgiving. and to celebrate my 31 years of life (western age, thank you very much), I’m doing something I’ve never done by myself. I’ll wait a minute so people can try to imagine a whole “grip” of things I’ve never done….i’m hosting/throwing a party! there’s no theme or required offering. if people happen to bring animal sacrifices i’m not completely opposed. but no, just a plain old house party. and that makes me exceedingly nervous. I’m not sure why. I guess it’s just issues with personal space, combined with the ghosts of mcgeorge parties past. i know high school was such a long time ago, but I’ll never forget the party we had where no one showed up. except for some awkward dude who had a boner for jules. I think we ultimately ended up going bowling. me, jules, and awkward boy. and as for all the snacks and beverages arranged neatly in bowls and containers in the candlelit dining room…abandoned.
i must mop my apartment. another first. I wish I had home internet again. then I could post this now. it’s already losing some of it’s timeliness…
